What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse (or intimate partner abuse) is a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and/or violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. Domestic abuse is overwhelmingly experienced by women and perpetrated by men. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, what race or ethnicity they are, what class they are, whether or not they are disabled, or whether they have children – anyone can be a victim of abuse.

Often when people think of domestic abuse they think of physical violence, but domestic abuse is very often so much more than that. For many women who live with domestic abuse there will be no scars, bruises or broken bones, but for some it can take their life.

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Many women think their relationship is not abusive or minimise the abuse they’re experiencing as long as their partner doesn’t physically harm them. This is untrue – abuse can take many subtle forms. There are a range of types of abuse and abusive partners may use just one, some or all of them at different times in the relationship.

Psychological & emotional abuse

Physical abuse

Financial abuse

Sexual abuse

Digital abuse

Psychological & emotional abuse

This is characterised by controlling & coercive behaviour, criticism, isolating their partner from friends & family. It is often difficult to be sure if your relationship is controlling or abuse in nature. Ask yourself these questions to find out more.

  • Is your partner charming one minute and aggressive & frightening the next?

  • Is he excessively jealous and possessive?

  • Are you and your family “walking on eggshells” around and doing anything to keep the peace with him?

  • Is he stopping you from seeing your family and friends?

  • Does he constantly criticise you and put you down in public and private?

  • Does he control your finances or has he put debt into your name

  • Does he tell you how to dress, who to see, where to go, what to think?

  • Does he pressure or force you to have sex when you don’t want to?

  • Is he drinking more but blaming alcohol for the abuse?

  • Does he “gaslight” you?

Gaslighting

You may have already heard of gaslighting as the term has entered our everyday language in relation to many areas of life. However the most prevalent form of gaslighting is in domestic abuse situations. Because gaslighting affects your judgement, it makes your assessment of whether your relationship may be abusive very difficult.

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

  • They tell blatant lies.

    You know it’s an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they’re setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you’re not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

    They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

    You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

  • They try to align people against you.

    Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, “This person knows that you’re not right,” or “This person knows you’re useless too.” Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that’s exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you’d be a worthy person if only you didn’t have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

  • They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

    This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don’t have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, “Well maybe they aren’t so bad.” Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

  • They project.

    They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter’s own behaviour.

  • They know confusion weakens people.

    Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans’ natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

  • They tell you or others that you are crazy.

    This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it’s dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It’s a master technique.

  • They tell you everyone else is a liar.

    By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You’ve never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It’s a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the “correct” information—which isn’t correct information at all.

    Source: Stephanie Sarkis – Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free, Copyright 2017

Physical Abuse 

The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways.

Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

  • slap, hit or punch you?

  • push or shove you?

  • bite or kick you?

  • burn you?

  • choke you or hold you down?

  • throw things?

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Financial Abuse 

The following are indications that you may be experiencing financial or economic abuse:

  • Giving you money and monitoring how you spend it

  • Monitoring how you spend your own money

  • Gaining access to your bank accounts or not letting you have any access to bank accounts or money

  • Stopping you from working or forcing you to work so he doesn’t have to

  • Taking out debt in your name or making you take on debt for him

  • Not giving you money towards household bills & expenses when he lives with you

  • Not paying maintenance for children when the relationship has ended


Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone and can involve sexual activity against your will, rape, sexual assault and degrading sexual practices. Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

  • touch you in a way you do not want to be touched?

  • make unwanted sexual demands?

  • hurt you during sex?

  • pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?

  • pressure you to have sex?

If anyone has sex with you when you do not want to, this is rape. It is still rape if that person is your partner. Have you ever felt afraid of your partner? Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?

1 in 3 cases of domestic violence and abuse against women starts during pregnancy. If the relationship is already abusive, it can get worse.

Find out more about domestic abuse in pregnancy.

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Tech or digital abuse

Tech or digital abuse is where abusers use technology (mobile phones, social media, email accounts etc) to control a relationship or to continue abuse after a relationship has ended.

  • Does your partner/abuser constantly call, text and message you online?

  • Does your partner/abuser publish posts about you online which encourage others to harass and abuse you?

  • Does your partner/abuser constantly call, message and send “friend requests” to your family and friends?

  • Does your partner/abuser harass you, your employer and your clients through business social media pages and work email addresses?

  • Has your partner/abuser threatened to share any information about you online such as confidential information, for example screenshots of messages, photos of you, or information that could cause you embarrassment?

  • Has your partner/abuser threatened to share or shared intimate images of you?

  • Does your partner/abuser seem to know about conversations that you have had without being present?

  • Does your partner/abuser give the children the latest tech gadgets during child contact? Does he play Xbox and PlayStation games with them online outside of his agreed contact time?

  • Does your partner/abuser have access to your banking and social media accounts, and assure you that it’s normal to have access to your partner’s information?

  • Does your partner/abuser know your whereabouts or turn up unexpectedly wherever you go?

  • Does your partner/abuser stalk and harass you via fake social media profiles?

  • Has your partner/abuser installed any apps such as ‘find my iPhone’ onto your device?

  • Did he assure you that it is for your safety in case you lose your phone?

  • There is a rise in the number of women whose children’s IPads, Xboxes and PlayStations have been hacked by the perpetrator to gain full access to their accounts, to trace information such as the child’s location, who they are speaking to and what games they are playing.

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 The Myths about Domestic Abuse

There are many myths and misconceptions around domestic abuse – about who it affects, the role of alcohol & drugs and much more. Find out more here.

Helping a friend if they're being abused

If you're worried a friend is being abused, let them know you've noticed something is wrong.

They might not be ready to talk but try to find quiet times when they can talk if they choose to. If someone confides in you that they are or think they might be experiencing domestic abuse:

  • listen, and take care not to blame them

  • acknowledge it takes strength to talk to someone about experiencing abuse

  • give them time to talk, but do not push them to talk if they do not want to

  • acknowledge they're in a frightening and difficult situation

  • tell them nobody deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what the abuser has said

  • support them as a friend, encourage them to express their feelings, and allow them to make their own decisions

  • do not tell them to leave the relationship or leave home if they're not ready – that's their decision

  • ask if they have suffered physical harm and if they have, offer to go with them to a hospital or GP

  • help them report the assault to the police if they choose to

  • be ready to provide information about organisations that offer help for people experiencing domestic abuse

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If you recognise any of these forms of abuse and believe that you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there is help available.

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